It’s been a long time since I’ve written a real, from the heart blog post. There are many reasons, not the least of which is my own ego getting in the way of creative production. Perfectionism is the fatal flaw that hinders production. I think I’ll write, I wonder what to write, I decide that nothing I have to say is really important or significant enough. Or I’ll get an idea, and jot it down for later, but then another idea comes and another and before you know it I have so many ideas as to what to write about it’s almost as bad as having no ideas. The end result is not knowing where to start.
Dearest blog reader, if you were to read back from the beginning of my bloggy journey you would be able to see some of the growth and expansion that has occurred in my life and my heart.
Every time I think about coming here to speak these truths my ego flares, my fears come up, and I feel insignificant and weak. I feel like my voice is insufficient to say what needs to be said. It’s so complicated and will take so long and there are so many parts I again am left not knowing where to begin.
To write is to encounter risk. To place your inner thoughts and ideas out into the world is scary and threatening and takes strength and courage. I’ve come to this stage many a time ready to sing my song, and have even expressed my intention to do so, and yet I have tapered off, my production limited to occasional photos and playlists.
I am better than this. I am a skilled writer and I feel that my talent is being crushed by my ego. My ego is trying to protect me from hurt, from imaginary dangers that don’t exist outside of my mind. Fear is based on lived experience, and my experience with writing is that it is an unstable profession and therefore does not fit my ego’s requirements: steady, reliable, predictable, measurable, and easy to analyze. The ego likes to sort, categorize, and file. But the wild and passionate life does not want to be filed away. It wants to be present every moment, experiencing life as it is lived instead of how it is imagined or feared to be.
My word for this year is “surrender” and it has already appeared repeatedly in many of my studies. I am working on surrendering to the universe, surrendering to my higher self and to my life purpose. I am ready to assume my power, to be less concerned about being liked and more concerned about being respected. I am ready to stop giving my power away to others, to the patriarchy, to capitalism, to people I know and people I’ve never met and their imaginary demands on my time and energy. I am in control of so much more than I have wanted to take responsibility for. I am learning how to assume true leadership in this new age of humanity.
Ideas expressed in this blog are inspired by my current reading, Sacred Success: A Course in Financial Miracles by Barbara Stanny.